Whenever I expose my collar bones, which is hard not to since every piece of clothing shows my neck other than coats and jackets. My mom gets mad because she thinks I am getting too skinny. I feel like my collar bones are a bit out there, but I definitely don't think I am skinny. This is an old picture, I think I was 17 or 18?

I miss a lot of things. I miss, coffee dates, laying in my car chatting for endless hours, our alone time, you going to practice, taking pictures, camera hunting, just things we do together. We still do things like that, but everything just cut down, a lot. And I am like missing everything, the amount of time we used to spend together, which was literally almost everyday. It was like our puppy love in the beginning. But now, we're both busy in our own ways. And come to think about it, there really is not enough time in a day. I'm sorry, I love and miss you. Always.

I have a tendency not to smile or smile with teeth. I'm sort of insecure about my teeth. I want braces again. In a matter of hours, I will be having my coffee date soon. I don't know what else to write.

Craigslist finds with boyfriend and purchased! Kodak Instamatic 100, Kodak Instamatic 100, Kodak Instamatic 100, Kodak Instamatic 104, Kodak Instamatic 150, Kodak Instamatic 124, Kodak Instamatic 124, Kodak Instamatic 124, Kodak Instamatic 300, Kodak Instamatic 304, Kodak Instamatic 404, Kodak Instamatic-Made in Germany-255x, Kodak Hawkeye Instamatic R4, Kodak Hawkeye Instamatic R4, Kodak Hawkeye Instamatic, Kodak Hawkeye Instamatic X, Kodak Instamatic X-15, Kodak Instamatic X-25, Kodak Instamatic X-30, Kodak Instamatic X-35, Kodak Instamatic S-10, Kodak Instamatic S-20, Kodak Hawkeye Instamatic II, Kodak Instamatic 44, Kadak Tele Disc, Kodak Disc 6000, and Kodak Pocket Instamatic 20 Camera.

With the Knife in the back

I don't like sharing. Let me elaborate. I don't like sharing my man, in the sense of a relationship. It sounds selfish, I know. But I mean, I don't want there to ever be another girl. I don't understand how there can be relationships where you can be together and also date other people. I don't understand that. I would want to be the only girl on his mind and I would want all of him not just a piece. It's just not fair.

Small rant of the night.

Future

More and more I find myself imagining what if I actually made it into the nursing program. My family has been talking to me and saying that when I become one I will be rich and a doctor will marry me because I am 'pretty' or 'sexy'. I do not know if I should be insulted or flattered. They know I am in a relationship, from what I think and it jut upsets me that they have a subconscious standard for me. Sometimes I wonder if they want me to find someone I actually love or find someone who has money. I can honestly say from what it looks, it's all about makin money. Like money is greater than love. Does money make a person happy? Sure it does, but it's not love. I would rather be with someone I love and be happy rather than picturing my self with wealth and being with someone I don't want to be with. I love the feeling of being with someone and being happy, I just don't enjoy my family influencing and pressuring me to be with someone I don't think I ever want to be with. Things like these make me wonder about my aunties, do they really love their husband? Maybe it's the othe way around considering all the girls are the nurses and all the men are doing somethig else. Well, I don't know. I don't think my mom loves my dad but my dad sticks around for some reason, maybe he does love her but some of his other actions say otherwise. I just hope in the near future, whom ever I decide to be with and if I become a nurse or not and they are successful too We will both be happy.

Why?

Why does shit like this happen to me? Why do I have a tendency to ruin my car(s)whenever I drive. Whether I dent it, scratch it, get a flat tire, or hit a damn guard rail. What the hell is wrong with me? Like really. Why does this shit ever happen to me? Like, I have honestly stopped speeding, I stopped going over 90. Why? It's so sad. I'm already paranoid as is driving. But I can't stop driving, I drive to school, I drive to eat, I drive to visit friends and I drive to see the person I love. I can't stop driving. There is no choice, but I have to drive despite the fact I hate it. I am so paranoid of worse things, like crashing my car and getting hurt as well as hurting someone else.

And I fucking lied. I said I was at my friend (girls) house when it happend as a cover story. And now my dad wants to consult the insurance. What the hell do I do now? What if they asked exactly where?! Fuck my life.

I'm questioning if I can honestly handle it anymore. I feel as though there is this void in my heart is coming back and I don't know what to do. I just feel sad now. I need some distraction in my life. And I won't allow anyone to play 'hero'.

Today I decided to spend time with my Auntie Myr. She had called me around 7am this morning to get ready so we can be at the swapmeet by 8:45am-ish. I was tired and I honestly did not care what I looked like. I showered blow dried my hair, put on a shirt and wore jeans with some flats. No make up. As we got there she had gave me a $20 bill and we split. Naturally we both just wanted to look at the end of the swapmeet towards those who brought stuff from home. I found two polaroids today there. The first was a Polaroid One600 and the other was surprisingly a One Step Polaroid Land Camera. I was really like shocked, my auntie saw it in my face and gladly bought it for me for a steal! $8! I think the filipino lady was trying to sell it for $10 but we got it lowered. I was really happy ahaha.

There are upsides and downsides to missing you. I get sad when you are not here. Is that bad? I bet it is. But at least when we do see each other, I suppose it's more special, in a way.

Reality check. We're adults now. We're not immature teens who rush their life ahead of themselves, from what it looks like at least. We can potentially be together for a long time, I'm not making promises we will be married. But I know, my eyes are only set on you. And if things were to turn out different, I would want us to end mutually. I will not cheat and I will be faithful. If my mind changes, I'll be sure to let you know. It's only fair. I would not want to mess with your heart like how our exes did to us. It does not feel good and it only leads to sadness.

I don't know why I am being personal. I know when you read this, it's about you. I just want to say, I am glad you are in my life. I love you.

Awkwardly standing.
Immediately when I stepped inside the church to watch choir practice today Joyce confronted me about not taking communion. I thought to myself 'how does she know?' and she said Father Paul told her. It honestly surprised me, I knew Father Paul knew of me and knows what I am apart of rather used to be apart of that he knows me by name. I did not know he knew me by name and that he even cared to mention it because of that fact of my history in this church. He told Joyce that whenever I did attend mass I would just walk up for a blessing and not for the Eucharist. Because, it just did not feel right receiving the body of Christ because my whole mindset was not there. And I would feel like a hypocrite. Well, I already do feel like a hypocrite sitting there. I do things that go against the church. Don't get me wrong, I still believe but I am not at that state of mind right now. I left because I needed to grow as a person on my own and do things that made me happy. Sometimes, I wonder what God is telling me. You really do not know how much I was shocked to even hear that I was a topic of their conversation.

Anyways, it was nice seeing my old friends again. It made me reminiscent of when I was in choir. Oh yeah, so I found out the whole catholic church is changing. I honestly don't know how I feel about that. Apparently we were doing things wrong the entire time. And now that I was listening to the new songs that is going to appear in mass soon, it just does not feel right like it was out of our norm.

Off topic now. Sometimes I wonder if I can even handle it anymore. Dividing time, rearranging priorities. It's driving me insane. I don't know. Let's just see what happens. And I also feel of least importance now.

Marriage

I've always thought about this. For as long as I could remember I would tell my mom I did not want to get married or have any kids. I knew that made her sad, but I always thought it was not for me. I did enjoy the idea of the actual day of getting married. Wearing the beautiful dress walking to the man I fell in love with down the isle. Before, I would just not want to get married and just continue dating or just stay single for life. But a friend of mine asked me "why do you date even if you don't want to get married?" I always thought you can date and be happy without a title and thats probably true because I am sure there are people in the world who do that. I don't know why I was so against getting married. I suppose it's just I'm scared, I have not been in a relationship long enough to prove that my significant other and I are going to be committed to spend the rest of our life together. Not saying we're going to cheat on one another it just was not proven to me. If I were to be married, I want to be completely sure, I am IN love as well as he is too and we are both in it for the long run. As of now, I feel more willing to get married but still not saying I will, just willing. I guess, I just need time to think about it whenever I do get to that point. I am just confused.

I thought of this because I realized I am finally not a teen anymore. And everyone around me is of that age where we are old enough to get potentially get engaged. I know there is no age limit on engagement it is just more probable at this age. It is crazy to think that you see your friends that have been in relationships for a long time and they get married. Instead of celebrating anniversaries you celebrate the wedding day.

Maybe, I'll be married one day and have my fairy tale engagement and wedding day. Who knows?

So today I got a call back and got an interview. I'm super nervous, but I have to show confidence in myself. My friend Thanh told me to bring a little 'Alice' into it but not to much. He claims my 'middle' name is an alter ego and that she gives me a little confidence in myself. I hope I do well honestly. I'm really nervous. Wish me luck you guys! I'm really trying to be optimistic about this one! I feel a little more confident in this than all the past interviews I did not pass ahaha.

Oh, do you like my shirt? I love it!

Big Black Hair.

It's 3:09am, I'm awake. This is going to be a long week. I underestimated the amount of school work I actually do have. So every class session I will actually do my work. It really does kill time because I sit on my laptop for 4 hours straight and it lessens the load on the week alone. I miss my boyfriend a lot more. I don't mean to sound needy or clingy, its just I am not used to this job thing now. I guess I was use to it with my ex because when I met him he already had the job and we were just friends to start. I still remain unemployed and still searching. I am actually going to Victoria Secret again sometime at the end of this month and talk to the manager again hopefully my persistence, confidence and determination will pull through.

This is my friend Lily, we vent. A lot. She is one of my favorite people to go on coffee dates with. And we rant on and on about a lot of crap that goes on. We mainly talk about our boys and boys in general as well as a lot of other crap that is completely random. Don't fuck with us. Ahaha.

Our Camera Collection

Polaroid Keystone 60 sec ever flash, Polaroid Impulse, Polaroid Spectra System, Polaroid 95A Land Camera, Polaroid One Step Close up, Polaroid Spirit, Polaroid Captiva SLR, Polaroid Joycam, Polaroid Sun600, Polaroid Auto Focus AF, Polaroid 600 Business Edition, Polaroid One Step, Minolta SRT 201, Olympus OM10, Regula, Pentax K1000, Honeywell Pentax ESII, Nikon EM, Fisheye Lomography, Vivitar PN2011, Diana Mini, Recesky Twin Lens Reflex Camera, And Kodak Trimlite Instamatic

Minolta SRT-101, Minolta Hi-matic 7s, Minolta Hi-matic 11, Kalimar KX7000, Argus C4, Canon AE-1, Pentax K1000, Pentax auto110 w/24mm & 18mm lens, Kodak Instamatic 104, Panorama camera, Ansco Pix Panorama camera, Vivitar PN2011 panoramic camera, Kodak Brownie Starflex, Polaroid ONE600 (silver), Polaroid ONE600 (blue), Polaroid ImpulseAF, Polaroid CoolCam, Polaroid One Step Flash, Polaroid Colorpack II, Polaroid Super Shooter Plus, Polaroid Spirit, Polaroid One Step, Polaroid One Step close-up(x2), Polaroid SX-70 Model 3, Polaroid SX-70.


This is Eliot and I's Camera Collection. This is the result of my film filled summer that I have been working on. He helped me build my collection and it's only getting bigger! I'm excited for our collections. I can't wait until we actually put it together and put it on shelves. The money was well spent for something we love passionately. His photo is a little outdated, we found a few other cameras so there is more ahaha! Can't wait for another great camera hunt!

Have I ever told you I can't sleep when it rains?

This is going to be a long night. At least Friends is on. It's raining hard enough for me to hear it. Overall yesterday was a pleasant day. Spent it with my boyfriend, we probably won't see one another until Friday at workshop. We'll only be limited to texting and aim. Crap, the rain got harder...I don't like it. Don't get me started with thunder, I freak.

Appointments

It is like every year around this time I find myself physically hurting for no apparent reason. I do not know what is wrong with me. For the past couple years around this time, I kid you not that I have seen the doctor about two or three times a month. Because of that I would miss my college courses and I would fall slightly behind. I remember a friend asking me why I go to appointments a lot. I honestly couldn't give an answer because there were so many reasons. I just hope this appoint today about all the pain I have in my back and legs is only temporary and I do not have to go back again. By the way, I am at the doctors as we speak to kill waiting time.

Yeah, I don't think after today I won't be going to church for a while. It did not feel the same. I was awkward in many ways. It was unpleasant. I was only comfortable talking to a couple people. Maybe church won't be on a regular basis again, I might just go every once and a while, I don't know. I just feel the most uncomfortable there.

These photos were taken around Christmas time 2010 with my DSLR. I really keep our photos and especially first photos dear to me. It's like a lovely reminder of how we met and got to know one another. I recently purchased a book called "All About Us" it's a book we can write in asking questions about or relationship. I think it's really good for us. Not that I think we need it or anything. I just want to be able to do something together as well as taking photos. It is really enjoyable to do because even if we feel like we know everything about one another, we really don't because there is always something to learn. I can't ait until we work on it again, because I want to know what our answers will be and what questions will come up because apparently it can get emotional, awkward, and deep (from what I read). I really miss having coffee date with one another though. I remember we would just make time or call one another up for coffee. I don't know if we just got comfortable or got over it. I don't know those times were lovely, not saying time right now isn't. I guess I just miss those days when we drank our coffee and talked the day away.
I really enjoy the days when we wake up together in the mornings and spend the whole time together especially right now in our lives. We're both busy. Actually, he is. He got a job at Costcos distribution center. I am very happy for him, he makes bank. But I really do miss him and the time we spent together. But I guess, I just need to learn there are other priorities in life. I hope I get a job soon ahah. It's really hard on my end because I have no experience other than some volunteer experience i gained from church.
Overall, I am really happy that I got to spend time with my boyfriend, he's really caring and understanding. He makes me happy even when I ger down about my mothers condition. I really miss my mom too. She'll be gone for a while but it will only be beneficial to her if she is gone for a while. I love you momma! See you soon!

My mommy is leaving tomorrow for 3 weeks. I am going to miss her a lot. But I think I am going to visit next week, not sure. Hopefully she gets better, she's always in my prayers. And if you're reading this...please pray for her too. I know I am not the most religious person out there...but I still keep her in my prayers. Thank you guys for listening.

So my boyfriend decides to get all dressed up for the bar this evening with friends. I like his little comb over. He is such a cutie! He sent me this picture message. So myspace huh? Pictures taken from your phone in the bathroom? Ahaha he is going to hate me for posting this picture and saying that. But I think he is adorable in it. Hopefully he is safe when he is out, I trust him and his friends just not those who I don't know of.