Foster the People is pretty cool. I think I might listen to their whole able rather than just listening to 'Pumped up Kicks'. It's a good chill song to listen to as you are driving I like to think. I really enjoy my new leather vest, Ariel picked it out. I know it's a terrible picture because you cannot see it but I'll be sure to take a better one eventually. My mom bought me a book it's called "All about Us" it's for Eliot and I. And I cannot wait to finally write in it about our relationship. Today was just completely random, Ariel ended up having lunch with my mom and I and she spent time with my family in eastlake. It was pretty cool, she met my weird cousins and we played Just Dance 2. She also brought up Eliot in front of my momma. I was like "OMG! SHUT UP" Ahahaha. But she put in a good word for him. At least he got some points for that. My mom is not particularly fond of boys around me like any typical parent towards their little girls. I'm happy today. 1 stoge.

Today was pretty boring. I am in my new class it is a english literacy class. Its really boring, I sit right in front of a computer for 4 and a half hours basically just doing homework and social networking. I finally wore my genie pants today, they are really confortable. Today, I only smoked 2 cigarettes! Surprisingly..ahaha. It's all good. Just gradually dying down is all.

Je t'aime, mais s'en aller.

I just like saying phrases in french. I wish I was fluent and took an actual class. My brother took it and we have some french books that I used to look at and try to learn from there.

Stoge

I've heard it all before. I know it's bad. I want to quit, but I lack the will power. How sad is that? It makes people look older, bad skin, terrible lungs and a lot of other reasons. You know, I was able to like NOT have one. I was able to say no to urges. I was able to not walk across the bridge to 7/11 and not buy a pack. I suppose it was just before when everything started going down hill when I found out about my mothers condition. It's kind of contradictory when one of the effects does cause cancer. Sad right? I just had the urges to keep buying and buying one after another. I guess after that, I was so used to having one in my mouth it became like a norm. It went from maybe 2 packs a month to 4 or 5 a month. Especially when I would just sit down and just drink coffee or on breaks during school hours. And it honestly does not help when a majority of your classmates smoke as well and having the scent run through your nose. When i was at state, I would just have one right before every class and on breaks and I would probably smoke maybe 2 or 3 at most. it's really surprising that my family has not smelt it on me even when I would enter class and just reak of it. All my friend would just point it out but I didn't care what anyone thought. I was not going to stop for anyone. I'm not going to say I am going to quit completely but I will try to cut back.

Je te deteste et tu me manque

Anyways, I should stop killing my lungs. It's already been 6 years since I have started. Never thought I would ever be considered addicted. Maybe, I was just in denial. Who knows?

Optimistic

Pessimistic

I am so depressing nowadays. I don't get it. I am trying to look on the brighter side of things but it ultimately fails in the end. Anyways, last night was my birthday party at my friends house. I'll post pictures soon when I am not lazy to upload. But it was fun, naturally I got intoxicated, since it was for me. I really had fun but the after affects are terrible. I don't think I want to drink for a while, I don't get why I do. I have not found a drink I actually liked but I found one that I can handle which is UV Blue. Anyways, it was a great night I enjoyed it, I would want to do it again if I could.

As of lately, my boyfriend and I have been together for like 9 months I think? He recently got hired at Costcos distribution center. I'm happy for him, but I realized that our boyfriend girlfriend time has been cut short now. And I really dislike changes in my normal routine. But it has to be done. Maybe, it's a good thing? I try to see what I can gain from things I really don't like as of present. Maybe I can focus on hanging out with other people and finding my own job as well as hanging out with family. But I don't know. I'm just weird right now.

This heat is annoying its making my hair bigger. I can't wait until Autumn.

How pathetic I am for even googling suicide.

I admit, I do think about it time to time. I actually searched painless way. But I was reading, and they are right. How can anyone possibly know if it is painless or not when you're already dead. I have a bottle of vicoden about 30 capsules left. I look at it all the time and just contemplate it. Today is actually the perfect time, no one is home. No one can save my body in time to go to the hospital and soak up all the meds out (from what I read). Only to destroy my liver and face diabetes. Yeah, I don't know what to do. I'll delete this sooner or later. It's just a thought, don't worry. Just want to write out whats on my mind.

I went to my cousin Darwin's house for he last gathering and we celebrated my birthday as well. Auntie Myr got me a cake. And then I saw Eliot. He surprised me with a 95A Polaroid Land Camera card he had made for me. I loved it. And then he made me go get his boots. I was like "Uh...you can get it yourself..it's RIGHT there" then he like begged. So I opened it the closet and grabbed his shoes...and then I realized what was laying on top of his little covered thing. It was the actual Polaroid Land Camera! I was so confused. He said he has had since since before he moved like a month ago. I was like WTF?! I was here so many times and I DID NOT SEE IT? Ahaha. He hid it in the kitchen. Probably one of the best presents ever! I love it! And him! He's wonderful. I am so lucky.

Yesterday I was 19, today I am 20. Not a teen anymore. I'm indifferent about today. Happy Birthday to me.

Drowsy Opera

I am in Music 100 right now. I am ridiculously sleepy. I was awoken by my parents that they will be gone for a couple days and I will be left alone for a while. It was early when I woke up and I could not sleep again. And now here i am in class about to slumber. Anyways, I have been better not really having like suicidal thoughts again. I guess I just have one of 'those' days where you just contemplate how much stress is happening all at once. I'm a weirdo for videoing myself in class.

In a matter of 3 days I will become a 20 year old. No longer a teenager. I honestly can say I am pretty indifferent. And no, my hair is not cut. But it looks like it right? I think so. I feel like short hair like that makes me look older and it would look professional in a sense. But it's okay, I've had short hair before and it took me a long time to get it to the length I have right now. Anyways, this entire year has been really interesting I must say. Everything just came unexpected on my end from dancing, to school, to a boyfriend and other stuff as well. I enjoyed this year a lot. And I guess, I'll be having a party for my birthday with some friends. This will be interesting since I never have parties for myself.

Yeah, I know it's not taken with a camera but rather my mac's photobooth. I have photos to upload but that won't be done until the next couple of days. Today was lovely, spent the day with Eliot in downtown, took pictures naturally, and ate at heavenly cupcakes. I have been feeling down lately about whats going on around me. I feel like if I talk about my issues it is as though the world revolves around me and it doesn't. I want a job and I have been applying to many places already. I don't get what I am doing wrong, I just hope I get a job. I don't think my family has been this down in a while where I feel completely helpless. I try not to show it among my friends, I would rather not have them worry about me or show any sort of pity. I am not a charity case. Well yeah, that picture is irrelevant ahaha. I enjoy my ring I got and I have no idea why I have a pouty. I also enjoy my nail color, I don't normally paint my nails. Well anyways au revoir.


UPDATE: Mark really helped me! I am glad he is one of my dearest friends. I feel more confident in myself now.

Today was lovely, I spent the day with the boyfriend in downtown. He accompanied me in my hunt for my friends birthday present at horton and we got cupcakes together at Heavenly cupcakes. Naturally, they were delicious as well as the shared milk. We decided to split the pictures there, normally we would do that at a local starbucks while sipping our coffee but we spiced it up today. We also went on the very top of the mall's parking structure to take pictures of the buildings. We used the minolta today as well as it's zoom lens, and it really like zoomed in a lot...it's cool but we could not take as many shots as we wanted. After we decided to eat at the normal place w usually eat at, Super Sergios and then we went to his cousin's house to look at the bike they bought.

By far it's going to be the worst birthday ever.

Why can't I accept it? I treat everyday as if nothing is going wrong, but in reality it's like the world around me is shattering. Why must I force a smile on my face everyday when I cry my self to sleep. I don't get it. I just want to leave sometimes. All I want is for her to be okay, is that so much to ask? What in the world made her deserve this? I would GLADLY take it instead of her. If only.

I have learned from previous relationships not to be insane. It's always a bad thing. So I have come to realize that I am not as jealous person anymore because there is nothing to be jealous about. Unless, they give a reason to be insecure about something then we have a problem. I don't know if it i a bad thing or not though. My friends have told that it seems as though that I honestly don't care. I feel like it's the same to be jealous when not jealous because either way theirs a flaw. I do care, really. Don't get me wrong. I can understand it' good to be a little jealous because it shows a little bit of actually caring (if thats the word). Well anywasy it was a random thought.

During my break I usually have my cigarette. I ran into my friend Kurt. He forgot I did smoke and that he bought me a pack when I was 15. Anyways, we found out we went to the same school and it came as a surprise. We know each other from church and we have been friends for about 10 years? Maybe even more. The church community is somewhat close so we all know each other. We both exchanged our majors and he had told me that he never knew I would pursue nursing. Like it was not for me, he knew my passion for the arts because that is what he knew me as. He knew from a long as he can remember that I was always interested into photography and illustration. He figured I was not doing it for myself and trying to make others happy except myself. I think he actually saying something and remembering something I do for love just surprised me. And made me reflect about myself. Like I have heard from people around me to do what makes mr happy. But actually hearing it from a friend who had not seen me in years it is different because he knew that certain aspect of me. Yeah he is right that I honestly don't want to be a nurse and wake up every morning not wanting to go to a job I despise, but I still want to do it. I am just being realistic with myself. He told me I can be realistic doing what I want to do but it is jut hard. I know everything he is saying is correct. I think I am just afraid of my future. I will be happy. It was nice seeing him though it has been a whole since the last time I have seen him. He and I also spoke about our faith. We both strayed away from it and mine it will come back to us. It is weird he and I were really active. He played Jesus in our church play as well as I played an adultress women together. It's honestly really crazy the amount of years we have known one another. Never thought we would end up going to the same school. Anyways, sorry if there are typos an auto correct words. I am on um iPhone in class right now.

I've realized that I have attachment issues to clothing that I don't wear anymore. I want to give it to the Salvation Army but I don't want to at the same time. It would be beneficial for my closet so I can add some room for my new attire. But my attachment is taking over. So I decided to sell some of my clothing before I send anything there. Because I would rather give it to someone I know first in hopes they would put it for good use.

Well today was a little hectic. I had to fix financial aid again, it's really a hassle. I wish it was more easy. Well anyway, I also had a doctors appointment because my period is irregular. It's normally irregular but this time it has not come for almost 5 months already. And I feel gross and I am sure it is bad. In fact it is bad. She prescribed me hormone pills so it should start sometime this month. Sort of sad because it is my birthday month but I guess it will be good for my body.

I got to spend time with my boyfriend today. We decided to stay in and watch a movie at his place being scrubby. We had carne fries and red velvet whoopies for dessert. We watched When in Rome. I really enjoyed that movie.

It's as though my post keep getting even more depressing as I write. Maybe it's just a hard time in my life right now. Everyday seems to get harder and harder. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not have to worry about my mom, dad, school, money, and even insecurities about myself. It's weird how I thought my new section of my blog would be completely far away from depressing. But it's slowly getting there. I feel pathetic.

I can't sleep

I pray every night and tonight I prayed and I cried. It really takes a lot for me to cry. But these past couple days, I've been crying like I have not cried in years. It was a lot. I am not really religiously inclined, but I do have my beliefs. I have a past blog and it was called "To Know. To Love. To Serve" and that was when I was following my faith. I was religious at one point in my life and I still am in some aspects. But right now, I am growing up and trusting whatever God has in store for me. It was only until a couple nights ago when i finally realized why i don't go to church anymore. It's because I felt like I couldn't grow as a person. My attachment only made me feel like I was still in highschool. My days before would consist of church for most of my week and I couldn't let that go. Not saying it was a bad thing because it isn't. Being there, I learned a lot. But I feel like I have to go and learn on my own now. And not being held by my youth ministers hand anymore for guidance. I know she and God will always be there for me in my time of need. Just right now, I need to be on my own and hopefully I will be back on my faith again.

I will always still pray and rust in our God, Because I will always remember that God won't ever put us in any situation we cannot handle and to always Let go and let God

Lately I have been pretty down to be honest. I feel like I am being rushed to complete things quickly now. It was implied that I need to graduate within three years. It's nearly impossible from my perspective. As of now, I am doing well in school. A lot better than I was when I was attending SDSU. Everything is flooding my mind and it's really driving me insane. I am sure, a lot of other students do feel the same as I but we're all in different positions. But I would rather not share whats happening right now because I am not comfortable yet allowing the public to know. Right now, I have never felt so low in a while. A part of me wants to just sleep and never wake up (Cliche' and I know I have said this sometime before). But I think I am stronger than that now, I hope at least. I've already gave into the idea of becoming a nurse. It's honestly not my thing, I hate science with a passion. But everyday I trick myself into believing I want to be a nurse. It's been working, but then I see my friends who actually do follow their passions and I slowly look at myself. It not what I want to do. But I can't leave it because of my situation. It's getting sad, I know. I only wish Eveything was okay. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy generally. I have wonderful family and friends. Just issues become a little to much to handle at once. I don't like receiving anything, I love giving and I don't expect anything in return. Whether it's compliments, presents, helping, I love doing those things for other people. It brings me joy to have put a smile on someones face. I don't expect anything in return, honestly. Thats why I guess I am so willing to not strive for my passions? If thats how I should put it? I do want to make my parents happy. Especially now. I just don't need unnecessary input that makes me upset(I'm venting so some of this does not make sense because I am leaving things out). I know it's wrong always pleasing other and not pleasing yourself. I do please myself. I still do the things I love doing but it's just not going to be a career choice. Oh well, thats my little rant. Sorry if I went on tangents, it's 3am. Give me a break.